The Long Way 'Round
by Dianaprince89
Summary: Jane explores her newly discovered sexuality while her friendship with Maura crumbles. / "She's buying me a drink," Jane studied her food intently. "Like a date?" Frankie pressed. "I don't know," Jane shrugged. "That's a date!" Tommy exclaimed gleefully. Maura's hand slid out of Jane's under the table.
1. Chapter 1

A young woman passed out on the train and Jane sighed deeply, checking her watch. She was already late anyways. She hated that her sense of duty, of compassion, occasionally gave way to selfish concerns. To feeling too tired. Spent.

But no one else was coming forward to help, and she couldn't just leave the woman to fend for herself.

Shoving through the crowded, overheated train car, she stepped onto the platform and raised her badge. The transit worker checking the girl smiled grimly and handed the young woman over.

"I'll call a medic," the worker mumbled, scooting away.

"I'm Jane," she told the shaken young woman. "What's your name?"

"Kate," the girl mumbled, her pupils dilated and forehead covered in sweat.

Kate was medium height, slender but voluptuous. Her dark hair fell wildly across her eyes. When she pushed it back absently with one hand, Jane noticed how unbelievably blue her eyes were. She looked like she might be anywhere between thirty and thirty five, but her skin was so smooth and well cared for that it made it difficult to tell.

"Nice to meet you Kate," Jane smiled softly. "We're just gonna come right over here and take a seat, ok?"

Jane helped the barely lucid young woman over to a bench, grateful when a young mother with her arms full of toddlers and toys handed her a bottle of cold water.

Seated on the bench in front of a large fan, the woman seemed to come back to herself some.

"Can I drink a little of that?" she asked, nodding her head towards the bottle.

"Of course," Jane assured, cracking it open and handing it to her. Jane didn't let go of the bottle until she was sure Kate could handle it and she was startled at the way their fingers touching sent a jolt through her.

Kate took a long, grateful sip of the water, wiped her brow, and frowned.

"Well this is embarrassing," she scoffed.

Jane couldn't help but grin.

Something about the other woman was enchanting, enticing. Even sweaty and dehydrated she was gorgeous.

Jane pushed the thoughts aside violently.

"It happens to the best of us," Jane shrugged.

"Ah, so you're the best of us?" Kate's lips turned up in the corner. Jane's stomach flipped.

"Not even close," Jane laughed. "It's nothing to be ashamed about. It's hot as hell. Coulda happened to anyone."

"But why me?" Kate whined playfully. "I just feel like such a dummy. It's been a long day and I probably should have had more water to drink but… it's just so easy to get distracted, I suppose."

Two medics, looking sweaty and worn thin, rounded the corner and approached them.

"Great," Kate groaned. "Now I get to be fussed over by people who should be out actually saving lives."

Jane pursed her lips together to quell the laughter bubbling up.

After a brief inspection, Kate was declared healthy but dehydrated. She was hilarious, intelligent, quick-witted. She laughed and teased as the medics looked her over and the change in their demeanor was astounding. The medics offered her a ride to the hospital and she politely declined.

"I'm going to get a taxi and go home and curl up to die from embarrassment," she shook her head self-deprecatingly. "But thank you so much for your help."

The medics, suddenly in higher spirits, departed.

Jane wondered how Kate's very presence could make someone so happy. Then she realized that she was still sitting next to the woman, for no real reason, and was happy to be there.

She was also late.

So very, very late.

But happy.

The realization made her uneasy.

"Well," she wiped her sweaty palms on her pants before standing. "I should probably get going."

Kate stood as well and Jane watched closely for any unsteadiness. The woman seemed tired, hot, but recovered enough to make it home.

"Thank you for your trouble," Kate smiled. "I'll probably be recovering from the embarrassment for weeks but somehow, because of you, I don't feel nearly as sorry about this as I should."

Jane's stomach did a funny flip again.

Kate offered her hand and Jane accepted.

"No trouble at all," Jane shrugged. "I didn't do anything."

"Stopping at all is more than most people," Kate shot back.

Jane couldn't deny that.

"Let me make it up to you," Kate continued. "Let me buy you a drink."

"Oh no," Jane hedged. "That's not necessary."

"It might not be necessary," Kate smiled, wide bright teeth flashing, and Jane's resolve weakened. "But I want to. It's the least I can do."

Jane hesitated.

"Please," Kate softly squeezed her hand and Jane realized that she hadn't released the other woman's grip yet.

"Ok," Jane responded, before her brain could catch up with her mouth. "I'd like that."

"Great," Kate released Jane's hand and fished through her purse, pulling out a business card. "Call me and we'll make something work."

"Ok," Jane nodded, gripping the card in her hand. "Sounds good."

"I promise not to pass out next time," Kate laughed, winking.

A parade of butterflies wreaked havoc in Jane's stomach.

"I'll hold you to that," Jane managed, surprised her voice worked through the sandpaper in her throat.

Their eye contact lingered until Jane caved and looked away, suddenly feeling like passing out herself.

"Do you want me to get you a cab?" she offered, just for the sake of having something to say.

"I think I can manage," Kate smiled easily. "All evidence to the contrary."

Jane laughed and nodded.

"I'll call you then," she replied.

"I hope you do," Kate responded.

And then she was gone and Jane was left standing on the train platform, Kate's business card in hand. She was startled out of her trance when the next train pulled into the station and passengers alighting from the cars jostled her awake.

Glancing at her watch, she cursed under her breath.

"Shit."

Her mother was going to kill her.

"You're late," the judgment was out of her mother's mouth before Jane had even shut the door.

"But I've got a good excuse!" Jane assured.

"Let's hear it," Frankie challenged.

Jane barely resisted the urge to stick her tongue out at him.

"Please sit, Jane," Maura encouraged. "We waited for you."

"I told you not to!" Jane protested. "I texted all of you."

"_Family_ dinner," Angela countered. "That means the family eats dinner together. Now sit down and let us eat."

"I'm sorry," Jane apologized, sliding into her seat next to Maura.

"I'm sorry," Tommy mimicked in a high-pitched voice. "She's sitting already, can we eat?"

Maura was trying to keep a smirk off her face.

"So, it's ok to eat now?" Frost asked.

"Yes," Angela nodded. "You may eat now, Barry."

Frost and Frankie eagerly served themselves heaping portions of the rapidly cooling meal. Korsak more politely passed the dishes to others at the table.

"I see that smirk," Jane whispered to Maura. "Cut it out."

"I'm not smirking," Maura lied, her smile breaking free when she spoke. "I just greatly enjoy the delicate, familial interplay between you and your mother."

"Shut up," Jane teasingly smacked Maura's thigh under the table. Maura grabbed Jane's hand lightly and neither woman let go, their joined hands resting on Jane's leg.

Jane had become adept at serving herself with one hand while she held Maura's other hand under the table. If anyone else noticed, they hadn't said anything.

It felt natural, and Jane never thought too much about it. She liked the contact, the way it grounded her, the delicate smoothness of Maura's hand in contrast to her own rougher, calloused palms.

"So let's hear it," Frankie tested. "What's this great excuse you got?"

Jane shot daggers at him with her eyes.

"A girl passed out on the T," she said around a mouthful of potatoes. "So I stayed with her until the medics came."

"That's quite chivalrous of you," Maura replied, voice cutting through the cacophonous questions and comments from the rest of the table. "I hope she was alright."

"She's fine," Jane nodded. "No worse for the wear. Just a bit of heat stroke. Gets hot as hell down there on the T."

"Surprised no metro PD were there," Korsak offered. "Sounds like they were asleep on the job, as usual."

"Eh," Jane shrugged. "Not like it was a real big emergency or anything."

"Well, that was nice of you," Angela's approval floated over. "That poor girl."

"I mean," Jane spoke before thinking. "She wasn't like a kid or anything. She was a woman."

All eyes narrowed on her for adding such an odd, unnecessary detail.

"Was she hot?" Tommy asked.

"Yeah, I guess," Jane shrugged.

All movement at the table stilled. An awkward silence filled the room.

"What?" Jane stammered. "So?"

"It's just uh," Frankie stuttered. "We uh, no that's, it's you know-"

"That's lovely," Angela cut him off. "It was so nice of you to stop. Very selfless."

"I mean," Jane again spoke without thinking. "I got something out of it too."

Silence reigned again. Jane wondered if she could have a filter installed between her brain and her mouth. Hers was clearly missing.

"What does that mean?" Frost finally asked.

"She's buying me a drink," Jane studied her food intently.

"Like a date?" Frankie pressed.

"I don't know," Jane shrugged.

"That's a date!" Tommy exclaimed gleefully.

Maura's hand slid out of Jane's under the table.

"Holy shit!" Frankie yelled.

"Frankie," Angela chided. "Watch your mouth."

"Seems like Janie's the one who's gonna have to watch her mouth," Tommy leered.

"Gross!" Frankie replied, smacking Tommy's arm.

"Guys," Jane yelled, silencing them all. "Can you please shut up about this?"

"Don't get us wrong," Frankie piped up. "We're thrilled for you. When you told us you might, you know, be gay or whatever, we just didn't expect you to… be so ok with it."

"I'm fine with it," Jane bit. "Although I'm regretting my decision to share that fact with you idiots."

"Ah, come on," Tommy laughed. "You got a hot date! We're happy for you!"

"Jane," Angela's soothing voice interrupted. "We think it's wonderful. We just want you to be happy."

"Yeah," Korsak agreed. "We're glad you're happy."

Maura's silence crept up Jane's spine like a spider.

She wanted to shiver, shake it off, make it stop.

"Yeah," Frost added. "I'm really happy for you, Jane."

"Thanks," Jane muttered.

"Yes," Maura finally spoke. She sounded like she was giving a rehearsed speech at a middle school play. "We're all very happy for you. I'm sure she's lovely."

Jane scrubbed her hands over her face. Taking a deep breath, she surveyed the grinning idiots at the table. Deep down, she knew they only wanted the best for her. She just sometimes wished they could want the best for her from a little further away, and with more silence and less talking.

"Ok," she swallowed harshly. "Thank you for your… encouragement. I appreciate how supportive you all are. But I would really, really like to not talk about this anymore."

"Of course," Frost nodded. He launched immediately into a story about how Korsak ripped his pants chasing a perp over backyard fences.

Korsak jumped in to defend his honor and soon the table was awash in laughter, loud voices, and the love Jane knew she wouldn't trade for anything in the world.

Maura quietly excused herself from the table a few minutes later. Angela caught Jane's eye over the table and furrowed her brow in a silent question.

Jane shrugged and Angela raised her eyebrows in challenge. Jane hated her mother's uncanny ability to read you and pressure you with just the look on her face.

"Fine," Jane mouthed silently. "I'm going!"

Angela nodded her approval.

Jane slipped away from the table and towards the guest bathroom. She was surprised to see it was empty, door ajar. She moved into the kitchen, her concern growing when that too was vacant.

Then she noticed that the back door was cracked open and she peeked outside.

In one corner of the small yard was an oversized porch swing and Maura was seated there, her eyes unfocused.

Jane grabbed a sweatshirt off the pegs behind the door and opened the door quietly. Maura turned, jarred by the soft sound. She took a deep breath and eyed Jane warily before fixing her eyes on the ground.

"Hi," Jane approached hesitantly, unsure what had inspired such an odd turn of events in her friend. "Um, here."

She held out the sweatshirt and Maura grasped it, laying it carelessly across her lap.

"Can I," Jane indicated the seat. "Is it ok if I sit?"

"Of course," Maura nodded, though it was clear she had no desire for Jane to join her.

"Is everything ok?" Jane blurted, not knowing how else to proceed.

"Why wouldn't it be?" Maura countered uncharacteristically.

Jane couldn't remember the last time Maura refused to tell her when something was wrong.

"Well," Jane bit her lip. "Maybe because you're out here sitting by yourself in the cold during the middle of family dinner?"

"You're quite the detective," Maura sighed sardonically.

Jane's brow furrowed. The words sounded accusatory, but Maura's voice sounded defeated.

"Did I do something?" she asked.

Maura's response took far too long for Jane's liking.

"No," Maura shook her head. "You didn't do anything."

Jane felt the frustration welling up inside herself.

"Did someone else do something?" she tried.

"No," Maura replied softly. "I'm fine."

"Clearly you're not fine," Jane retorted. "Please, tell me. You know you can tell me anything."

"Right now," Maura exhaled harshly. Her fingers picked idly at Jane's sweatshirt. "I just want to sit."

"Ok," Jane stood.

Maura looked up at her, all dark watery eyes and trembling lips. Jane felt a pain in her chest that Maura's medical jargon would have defied.

"And there's nothing I can do?" Jane attempted one last time.

"You could," Maura looked down at her hands. "You could sit with me."

Jane's brows furrowed. She wanted to yell. To push. To force Maura to tell her what was wrong and then go out immediately and fix it.

"Of course," Jane said instead. Gingerly she resumed her place at Maura's side, startled when Maura scooted imperceptibly closer to her. Jane reached over and spread the sweatshirt more effectively across Maura's lap. She rested her hands in her own lap, tangling her fingers together to resist the urge to fidget.

Maura leaned her head on Jane's shoulder and wordlessly slid a hand between Jane's. Jane gripped her hand firmly, tenderly.

She had the feeling that she was holding onto Maura through that tether, and that tether alone. She was afraid that if she shifted, breathed too heavily, or god forbid let go… Maura would simply drift away.


	2. Chapter 2

Jane sat at her desk, turning Kate's business card over in her hands.

Frost came up behind her and snatched it away.

"Hey!" Jane protested. Flashbacks of grade school filled her conscience.

"Call her," Frost shook the card. "Now."

"But I," Jane protested.

"Uh-uh," Frost held the card out to her pointedly. "Do it. Now."

Jane sighed dramatically and rested her head on her desk.

"Can you do it?" she whined. "You can pretend to be my secretary."

"Like hell!" Frost laughed. "Never seen you get so damn worked up over something so little as a phone call."

"I'm not good at this," Jane complained. "I'll mess it up."

"She gave you her card," Frost argued. "She _wants_ you to call her. She _wants_ to go out with you."

Jane snorted.

"Easy for you to say," she griped. "Look at you. Women throw themselves at you."

"Indeed," Frost grinned, Cheshire-cat wide. "And it's damn fine that they do. Now go make that phone call. When you're done, it's lunch time- you're buying."

Frost disappeared around the corner.

"No health food!" Jane yelled after him.

Standing, she shrugged into her blazer and picked up the business card. If she was going to do this, it sure as hell wasn't going to be in the crowded bullpen. She practically snuck towards the front door, bumping into Maura as the other woman exited the elevator, head buried in a manila folder.

"Sorry," Jane reached out instinctively to steady her friend.

"My fault," Maura assured, the smile not reaching her eyes. "I was distracted."

"Me too," Jane admitted. "Frost and I are going to get lunch in a minute. Wanna join us?"

"No, thank you," Maura demurred. She had been absent-minded and distant for days and it was driving Jane crazy.

"Aw, come on," Jane pressed. "I'm buying! And it's Frost's turn to pick so I'm sure it will be something grossly healthy that you will love like tofu and mung bean sprouts."

Her attempt at a joke had no effect on Maura's expression. The medical examiner's half-smile didn't even qualify as a smile.

"I'm just rather busy today," Maura replied. "But perhaps another time. Thank you for the offer."

Frost walked by them on his return to the bullpen.

"Stop stalling and call her!" he yelled.

"Shut up!" Jane yelled back. "Sorry," she turned to Maura. "Please come."

Maura barely met Jane's gaze. "I really wish I could," she lied.

And Jane knew it was a lie. She could see it written on every line of Maura's face. She briefly debated calling her on it but she knew it was neither the time nor the place.

"Well, if you change your mind," Jane let the offer hang.

"That's very considerate," Maura responded. "Thank you."

"Right," Jane nodded. "Well, I guess I'll see you later."

"I'm sure you will," Maura forced another fake smile before turning and walking back into the very elevator she had just exited.

Jane wanted to scream.

Instead, she shoved the front door open with far more force than necessary and took a few deep breaths when she was finally outside. The cool air was biting in her lungs and she relished it.

Dialing Kate's phone number, she found that her anger at Maura had evaporated most of her nerves.

"Hello?" Kate picked up the phone.

"Hi," Jane found herself smiling at just the single word. "This is Jane. We met the other day."

"Hmm," Kate pondered. "Jane? I just meet so many women, you know? Were you the one who hit on me at the library?"

"What?" Jane couldn't keep the indignant tone out of her voice.

Kate's laughter transmitted clearly through the connection.

"I'm teasing," she replied. "You saved me from myself when I passed out on the T a few days ago. I'm still recovering from my near fatal embarrassment. And I don't meet _that_ many women."

Jane relaxed, breathing out the tension she only just realized had been so bottled up in her chest.

"Well maybe I can help with that," she offered. "Since you really have nothing to be embarrassed about."

"How about you help me with it this Friday evening, say around six?" Kate suggested.

"Um sure," Jane stammered, surprised by Kate's easy and relaxed nature. "That sounds nice."

"Do you have a place in mind?" Kate asked.

"Stoddard's," Jane replied, surprised at the suggestion.

"You have good taste," Kate told her, the flirtation unmistakable.

"What can I say?" Jane laughed. "I'm a sucker for a beautiful damsel in distress."

"Then it seems like you've come to the right place," Kate snickered. "What could be more attractive than a sweaty, barely conscious heat stroke victim?"

"You were the most attractive heat stroke victim I've ever encountered," Jane teased. "I promise."

"Right then," Kate giggled. "I suppose we'll have to explore the problems with your vision during our date. I'll see you Friday?"

"Yes," Jane agreed. "Friday."

"I'm looking forward to it," Kate responded. "Have a good day."

"Thanks," Jane felt practically giddy. "You too. Bye."

Kate had disconnected the call well before Jane found the resolve to sever the connection.

Frost broke her from her reverie by waving a hand in front of her face.

"Earth to Jaaane," he sing-songed. "Feed me!"

"Alright," Jane shook herself out of the trance. "Ok, ok. Where are we headed?"

She followed Frost to the cruiser and slid in behind the wheel. She was excited, albeit nervously excited, to meet with Kate.

But Maura's frowning, absent-minded behavior was tugging at Jane like a child desperate for attention.

"Maura seem a little weird to you this week?" Jane asked.

Frost pursed his lips, looked at Jane, and then averted his attention to something out his window.

"Why do you ask?" he deflected.

Jane wondered why he didn't just say _yes_ since his attempts to deter her were so transparent. It made her anxious. Nervous.

"Is she mad at me?" Jane pressed.

"I really think you need to talk to _her_," Frost replied. "If you think that something is wrong."

"She won't tell me," Jane retorted, frustration evident in the way she slammed the brakes a little too hard. "I just need to know what I did wrong so I can figure out how to fix it."

"She's not mad at you," Frost hedged. "Per se."

"Not mad at me _per se_?" Jane echoed. "What the hell does that mean?"

"This isn't my place, Jane," Frost urged. "Talk to her. Ask her. Just… don't… be too much… yourself."

"Don't be too much myself?" Jane repeated incredulously. "What the hell is that supposed to mean?"

"It means don't be like this," Frost threw his hands up in defeat. "Be gentle. If you want her to talk to you, then you have to _listen_."

"I listen," Jane protested. "I listen all the time!"

"Ok," Frost placated her. "Then I guess it won't be a problem for you."

"I listen," Jane muttered under her breath as they parked and exited the car. She continued to grumble to herself as they entered the deli. "I listen better than anyone you know. I'm a great listener!"

That Thursday, after a particularly long day for no particular reason, Jane found herself dreading going home.

Frost and Korsak both turned down her invitation to grab a drink so she found herself descending to the morgue to invite Maura.

The omnipresent hum of the refrigeration system and the stark whiteness had never been able to deter Jane from visiting. Not, that is, once Maura started working there.

Before, Jane had hardly ventured downstairs at all. She would read the coroner's reports, occasionally scope out a body she felt she needed to see in person, but that was pretty much the extent of it.

She certainly never entertained the idea of visiting the morgue for a social call. Or god forbid, at meal time.

"Maura?" she called out as the door closed behind her. "You in here?"

Maura poked out from around a corner.

"Oh," her voice was even, neutral. "Hello. How can I help you?"

"I uh," Jane was thrown by the formality of her voice, the passive expression on her face. "I was thinking we should grab a drink. You almost done for the day?"

Maura studied her intently for a minute.

"I'm not really in the mood to go out," Maura demurred.

"Please?" Jane tried not to whine, but in the end she failed. "I really don't want to go home right now. And I sure as hell don't want to go drink by myself. Pleeeeease?"

Jane threw in an exaggerated, pouty lip for good measure.

"Alright," Maura caved. "I'll be done in about fifteen minutes."

"Perfect," Jane grinned. "I'll be upstairs. Just come by my desk when you're ready. No rush!"

Jane fled before Maura could change her mind.

Fifteen minutes later on the dot, Maura was approaching Jane's desk, coat on, purse in hand.

"Where do you wanna go?" Jane asked. "Your choice."

"Somewhere quiet," Maura shrugged. "Your choice."

"Look," Jane hedged, noticing previously absent bags under Maura's eyes. "You don't have to. I understand if you're too tired or something."

She couldn't believe she was offering Maura an out.

Maura met her eyes and Jane felt the overwhelming urge to hug Maura. To pull her in close and just refuse to let go. She barely abstained, knowing the gesture would be unwelcome in the buzzing bullpen.

"Maybe we could just go to my place," Maura suggested. "I've got some wine and I think a few beers still."

"Yeah, that's great," Jane agreed immediately. "Sounds perfect."

"I'll see you in a few minutes then," Maura replied.

"Great," Jane nodded. "See you in a few minutes."

Maura turned and went to her car, Jane following closely. They parted in the parking lot and Jane slid behind the wheel of her cruiser. She let Maura go through a changing light, using the yellow glow as an excuse to give herself a bit of distance.

Detouring, she stopped for a few of Maura's favorite snacks before hurrying to Maura's house. At the door, she hesitated. She usually knocked and entered in one singular act. Maura's mood made her doubt herself.

She knocked and waited.

It felt like an eternity, and when Maura opened the door there was a question on her face.

"I didn't want to intrude," Jane blurted awkwardly.

"I invited you," Maura responded curiously.

"I know," Jane shrugged. "You just seemed… a little off this week. I wanted to give you the space you need. If that's what you need."

"Come in, Jane," Maura encouraged.

Jane had noticed the weariness emanating off of Maura at the precinct but here, defenses down in her own home, she seemed utterly exhausted. Defeated.

Jane entered, the bag of treats in hand, and made her way into the kitchen without speaking. She began to empty the contents, arranging things on a plate, when Maura sat at the counter and looked at her oddly.

"I brought you some snacks," Jane stammered, the scrutiny making her nervous.

"I see that," Maura replied evenly.

"Look," Jane bit, her desire to pressure Maura into being herself again bubbling up without warning. She took a deep breath to steady herself. "Sorry. That's not what I meant to say."

Maura looked at her expectantly.

"I meant," Jane evened her breathing, tried to keep her body language neutral. "That you seemed… not yourself this week. And regardless of the cause, I would like to be part of the solution. I hate seeing you upset. I just want to help. So whenever you're ready to tell me, I am willing to listen. And until then, I'm here for whatever else you need."

Maura looked like she was on the verge of tears.

Jane couldn't help herself. She reached out and wrapped Maura's hand in her own, squeezing gently.

"God, I hate seeing you like this," she bemoaned. "What can I do?"

"Let's just," Maura sniffed. "Have a drink and watch a movie."

"Fine," Jane nodded and tried to smile. "Absolutely. You go pick something out and I'll pour some wine."

Wordlessly, Maura set about preparing the movie as Jane poured wine, grabbed a beer for herself, and finished arranging the snacks. She brought everything over just as Maura was sitting down on the couch.

"Is _Gone with the Wind_ ok?" Maura asked, adjusting the volume.

Normally Jane would have complained, _again?_

But she nodded and handed Maura the glass of wine, smiling.

"Yeah," she sat beside her friend on the couch. "That's great."

The movie rolled and Jane munched idly on the snacks. Maura didn't eat anything. Jane drank two beers and then quit, knowing she would be driving home. Maura barely sipped her first glass of wine.

Partway through the movie, Jane felt Maura inch incrementally closer to her. Unsure what the other woman was looking for, but willing to give her anything, Jane rested her arm along the back of the couch. Maura moved, with painfully slow motions over the next half hour, into the space against Jane's side.

A million things rushed to the tip of Jane's tongue but she swallowed them all. She had said she would wait, and listen. Now she actually had to wait, and listen.

Hopefully, when Maura was ready, she would tell Jane what was bothering her.

Maura shivered despite the temperate room and Jane pulled the afghan off the back of the couch, draping it over Maura's shoulders and leaving her hand to rest on Maura's arm. Maura burrowed slightly closer.

"You'd tell me," Jane rasped. "If something big was wrong."

Part question, part plea.

She thought about assaults, diseases, the daily perils they dealt with and how they could become a part of you- mentally and physically.

"Of course," Maura whispered. "I would tell you. I'm not dying. It's nothing like that."

Jane couldn't help the sharp exhalation in relief. Her hand tightened on Maura's skin of its own accord.

"Good," Jane sighed. "I'm glad. I mean, I'm sorry that something is wrong but… that's good."

"I'm sorry to worry you," Maura replied. "That's not my intention."

"Hey, hey," Jane soothed. "That's what family is for. They worry about you. No way around it."

Maura was still and silent beside her and Jane tried to focus on the movie but it was increasingly difficult.

Jane had done a lot of reading online when she began exploring her sexuality. It had been scary at first, and she had done it all in secret, deleting her browser history even though it was her personal laptop.

She remembered one of the things she had read with vivid clarity.

_Never fall in love with a straight girl_.

Even then she had known it was too late.

She had been in love with Maura since the moment they met.

She just hadn't realized that's what it was until much later.

And by that point, there was no turning back.

Now, she was trying to honor her new discovery by exploring all facets of her sexuality, and personality. She had been out with a few women, casual dates. It was awkward, like starting over as a teenager.

But there were parts of it that were incredibly liberating. She got to do things she didn't even know she'd been missing out on. It was fun and exciting and fulfilling. She started to get comfortable talking about it with her close friends and family. Sharing the new side of herself with them.

And there were certainly rewards to acknowledging her whole self.

Like going on a date with Kate.

The woman was beautiful and charming and Jane was innately drawn to her. Jane had an ulterior motive too though.

She hoped that finding a woman to fall in love with would help her stop being in love with Maura. Nothing else had worked so far.

Maura's weight fell more firmly against Jane and she looked down to see that the other woman had fallen asleep.

Even asleep, the worry did not leave her features.


	3. Chapter 3

Not wanting to bother Maura with the details of her problems- primarily overwhelming nervousness to the point where she thought she might vomit, Jane failed to mention her date with Kate.

Friday afternoon, she was a total wreck. She changed into a fresh shirt at work and then stared at herself in the bathroom mirror for long minutes, hands clenching the sink ledge harshly.

_I can do this_, she kept repeating to herself. _I can do this. It's just a date_.

It didn't help much.

Finally there was a knock on the door and Jane turned to the sound. Frost opened the door to the women's room but didn't peer around the corner.

"Come on," he laughed. "You've stalled long enough. Time to saddle up and ride."

Jane debated hiding in a stall for a minute before turning and leaving the bathroom.

"You got this," Frost assured her casually, bumping her shoulder with his. "Just be yourself. But a little calmer. And don't eat like you. And try not to talk too much…"

Jane laughed and exhaled harshly.

"Thanks," she nodded. "I'll keep that in mind."

She made her way to Stoddard's with her heart pounding like she had just run a marathon.

Marathons.

That meant so many things to her these days. It meant bombings, horror, death. It meant fear and loss. It meant working for three days straight without more than a few hours sleep while they looked for an innocuous, monster of a young man who disrupted their lives in the most unexpected of ways.

But underneath those raw wounds, it made her think of Maura.

Of their marathon adventures.

Of how amazing it was to spend that time with Maura. Of the look on Maura's face when they crossed that fake finish line. Of Maura in her arms as they hugged to celebrate the victorious feeling. Of how she had run miles so many miles, and would cross the earth, just because Maura asked her.

Jane shook her head to clear it of the rogue, distracting thoughts. She pushed open the door to Stoddard's and tried to breathe deeply. She scanned the bar and saw Kate perched on a stool there.

Approaching with as much fake confidence as she could muster, she was relieved when Kate noticed her and turned.

"Hi," Jane stuck her hand out.

Kate accepted it warmly.

"Hello," she replied. "Nice to see you."

"It's nice to see you too," Jane replied. "And looking much cooler than the last time we met."

To Jane's utter delight and fascination, a slow blush crawled up Kate's cheeks. Jane found herself wondering where else that blush might spread.

The warmth Jane felt upon seeing Kate again only blossomed as they took a table in the corner of the cozy, well-appointed bar and fell into an easy conversation.

Kate was intelligent, hilarious, beautiful, and kind. Her laugh was delicate and infectious. She didn't blink an eye when Jane told her she was a detective. As a social worker, Kate was no stranger to stress, strain, and the darker side of life.

Polishing off her third beer, Jane glanced at her watch, shocked to see that it was almost midnight.

She hadn't even felt the time slipping by.

Kate yawned surreptitiously, trying to hide it, and Jane grinned.

The woman was simultaneously drop-dead gorgeous and absolutely adorable. It was mind-boggling.

When Kate caught Jane's gaze and didn't look away, Jane's stomach flipped.

"We should probably be going," Jane suggested, surprised at the rasp in her voice.

"I suppose," Kate agreed.

Neither woman stood. Kate seemed to be debating and the war played out plainly on her features.

"Would you like to come back to my place?" she asked eventually.

Jane's heart stuttered.

"Yes," she found herself responding, surprised to hear the word leave her mouth.

Kate smiled softly, almost shyly, and Jane's heart began to pound.

"Shall we?" Kate offered, standing.

Jane stood, glad when her legs held steady.

"After you," she demurred.

Outside, they paused.

"I took the T here," Kate told her.

"I drove," Jane nodded in the direction of her car. "We can take my car."

"Ok," Kate smiled. "Lead the way."

Jane approached the car with a million thoughts speeding through her mind. She stopped first at the passenger door to unlock and open it. When she turned, Kate was only inches away, her eyes dark, her face turned up towards Jane's.

Jane's heart leapt to her throat. She couldn't breathe, couldn't move. She had been thinking about kissing Kate since the moment she walked into Stoddard's. But now that the opportunity was here she was paralyzed.

Kate seemed to sense her hesitation but instead of stepping away, she moved in closer so that their bodies were pressed together.

"I don't bite," she whispered lightly. "Unless you're into that."

Jane laughed awkwardly, breaking the tension that had taken hold of her, and then took the plunge.

Leaning down, she pressed her lips lightly to Kate's. It wasn't quite electric, and she felt awkward for a minute as their lips rested together.

But then Kate's hands were on her cheeks and her tongue was pressing gently against Jane's mouth and every molecule in Jane's body felt alive.

She relaxed, cupping Kate's voluptuous hips, and opened her mouth to Kate's softly probing tongue. The kiss turned hungry and heated fast, the air between them sparking as Jane pulled Kate impossibly closer.

It was so different to feel soft, supple curves pressed against her instead of harsh, unyielding angles. Different and so, so intoxicating.

Jane pulled Kate tighter against her and delighted in the breathless moan that escaped the other woman's lips. Kate's hands wrapped around Jane's body, holding her close, the kiss morphing with every second their lips and tongues dueled.

"I think," Kate panted, her breath fanning Jane's face. "We should take this back to my place."

Jane swallowed harshly and nodded.

Kate slipped into the passenger seat and Jane tried to act cool as she rushed around to the driver's side of the car.

Kate lived in a small, modestly appointed one bedroom apartment that reminded Jane of a more feminine version of her own. It put her at ease.

"Would you like a drink?" Kate offered.

Jane took a few steps towards Kate, shaking her head.

"No, thank you," she whispered.

Kate didn't back away or hesitate, instead she stepped up to meet Jane halfway. Jane ran a trembling hand along Kate's jaw.

"You're so beautiful," Jane breathed.

"Thank you," Kate mumbled. "So are you."

Jane smiled softly.

She leaned down to capture Kate's lips in hers. The kiss was slow and exploratory, and Jane relished the sensation all the way down to the tip of her toes. She ran her hands across the curves of Kate's hips and hesitantly towards the swell of her ass.

Kate responded eagerly, pressing herself firmly against Jane and guiding one of Jane's hands down onto the slope of her backside.

Jane took the encouragement without restraint, letting her hands eagerly roam Kate's body. Kate returned the gesture, her hands wandering the curves and angles of Jane's lankier frame.

Pulling back, Kate began to unbutton her shirt. Jane took the hint, eagerly stripping off her own. When Kate finished, she moved to embrace Jane again but Jane held her at bay for a second.

"I just want to look at you for a minute," Jane whispered, her voice a plea.

"Ok," Kate nodded. She stood, her chest heaving, her ivory skin glowing in the lamplight, while Jane inspected her.

Jane found herself leaning forward to kiss the top of one breast before she was even aware of the urge. The skin was smooth and impossibly soft, and Jane imagined Kate felt like that all over. Kate's hands were setting fire to every inch of Jane's body and she wanted to strip naked and quell the flames.

Kate's breathing was growing increasingly unsteady and Jane realized her own was coming in sawing gasps and pants. Kate was stepping backwards and it took Jane a minute to realize that she was being led, most likely, towards the woman's bedroom.

It made her spine tingle, and fleetingly, she thought of Maura.

It brought her up short and she hadn't realized she had stopped walking until the question on Kate's face also left her lips.

"Are you alright?" Kate inquired softly.

Jane debated how to reply.

"It's just…" she hesitated.

"Ghosts?" Kate offered quietly, knowingly.

Jane nodded, swallowed harshly.

"We don't have to…" Kate let the thought trail. "We can take it a little slower."

Jane looked at Kate, half-naked and tousled, and then an image of Maura slipped into her mind unbidden.

"I'm sorry," she rasped.

"It's ok," Kate assured her. "We all have our ghosts."

Nodding, Jane found her shirt and put it back on as Kate did the same. She stood awkwardly and scratched her head.

"I guess I should be going," she asserted nervously.

"You don't have to," Kate shrugged. "I'm not only after your body."

Jane smiled slightly.

"I think it's probably best for me to head home," Jane replied. "You make it way too easy to get carried away."

"I'm never going to hear from you again," Kate laughed dryly. "Am I?"

"No!" Jane protested, not sure if she was lying or not. "I'll call you."

"Sure," Kate allowed. "I hope you do."

Jane looked again at Kate, her eyes flitting to Kate's lips without her conscious permission, and rubbed her palms against the coarse material of her jeans to stop from reaching out.

Kate put her out of her misery somewhat, coming over to kiss her lightly on the lips and unlock the door.

"I mean what I say," Kate assured. "I'd like to see you again. You're very… lovely."

Jane scoffed. She didn't think anyone had ever called her lovely before. Not to her face, and it was even less likely the term had been used to describe her behind her back.

"What?" Kate grinned.

"It's just not a word I usually hear associated with me," Jane shrugged. "You, on the other hand, are undoubtedly lovely."

Kate blushed again and Jane's restraint slipped. She captured Kate's lips briefly.

"I should go," she mumbled, pulling away.

Kate nodded.

_Ghosts_, Jane thought as she kissed Kate's cheek, padded out into the hall, and heard the soft click of the door closing behind her.

Her problem was not ghosts.

It was dreams.

_A_ dream, really. Singular.

One she couldn't shake, and deep down didn't want to.

It might not have been a ghost of the past, but the thought of Maura haunted her all the same.

That night, Jane didn't sleep a wink.

Her body was wired, her mind whirring.

Awake, she thought of Kate. When her eyes closed, she dreamt of Maura.

She woke up before the dawn, exhausted. She cursed her inability to sleep in on a rare day off. She wondered what it would have been like to wake up next to Kate.

Lacing up her shoes, she stretched a bit and set herself loose on a run. She needed to clear her head. She needed to breathe the too cool air and let it burn out all the anguish in her lungs.

Of their own accord, her feet directed her to Maura's house.

On any other Saturday, she might have knocked. Asked for a drink of water. Stayed for breakfast.

Maura had always been an early riser.

Jane couldn't remember the last time she had spent the night at her friend's house. She couldn't remember the last time they shared a meal- just the two of them.

It struck her suddenly that they had been drifting for much, much longer than she realized. Maura's strange withdrawal at family dinner the other night hadn't been the start of their separation. It hadn't been the start of something.

It was more like the end of something.

For the life of her, Jane couldn't understand why.

She found herself at the front door, fist poised to knock. But fear clenched in her gut like a stone, settling there with a heavy weight that made her hesitate.

She worried that Maura would tell her what was wrong but Jane wouldn't be able to fix it. What then?

Were they just supposed to stop being best friends?

After all the laughter, the tears, the matching scars- inside and out… They were supposed to what? Just let go. Drift away?

No.

_No_.

Jane wouldn't let that happen. It couldn't.

She was not going to stand for it.

She was banging on the door, _hard_, before she realized she had decided to knock.

She pounded for long minutes until worry balled in the pit of her stomach and she wondered if Maura had not come home the night before. Just as her worry began to expand into panic, the door swung open.

Jane rocked unsteadily at her feet as she stopped her fist from making contact with any part of Maura.

Maura was sleep-tousled but looked decidedly unrested.

It threw Jane completely off-balance. Her anger fled, replaced by something anxious and fearful.

"Yes?" Maura asked.

Her voice was completely unfamiliar.

"Um," Jane swallowed. Tried to pull herself together. "I was out for a run. I thought you might want to have breakfast."

"I'm sleeping," Maura replied blankly.

"You uh," Jane shifted awkwardly. "You were?"

"Yes," Maura confirmed. "It's early."

"But you're always up before me," Jane blurted. "Are you sick?"

Maura hesitated.

Jane wondered why her best friend in the entire universe had yet to invite her inside from the cold.

"No," Maura shook her head. "I'm not sick. I just haven't been sleeping very well lately."

"Oh," Jane replied dumbly. "I could come back."

Maura wrapped her arms around herself protectively.

"No," she finally allowed, stepping aside to allow Jane into the house. "I'll shower and get dressed."

Jane didn't have a chance to respond before Maura was making her way back to the bedroom. Jane shut the door, shucked off her running shoes, and made her way to the kitchen.

She set about making breakfast for her friend, coffee being the first priority. The meal was well on its way when Maura emerged, showered and dressed, but looking no more alert.

"I'm really sorry I woke you," Jane apologized. "I honestly thought you would be awake."

"It's fine," Maura smiled but it lacked depth.

"Have some coffee," Jane offered, preparing a steaming mug and handing it to her friend. Maura accepted without a word.

After a few sips, Maura put the mug down.

"Did you need something?" Maura asked.

Jane was caught completely off-guard. She had never required a reason for spending time with her best friend.

"I just wanted to catch up with you," Jane shrugged, trying to play it off. "I haven't seen much of you this week."

And steeling herself, she took the plunge.

"Actually," she continued. "It kinda feels like I haven't seen much of you in a while. I was thinking it's past time for us to get back into our LLBFF rhythm."

She expected a chuckle. A smile, at the least.

Nothing.

There was a flicker of something in Maura's eyes. Just the hint of her mask slipping. But then her armor was back on.

"I'm sorry you feel we haven't been spending enough quality time together," Maura replied. "I didn't realize."

_Liar._

Jane bit back the word, even though it was the truth. Maura was lying.

"I do think we've been drifting a bit," Jane forged on. "I think it's my fault. I've just been kinda getting my head screwed on straight with the whole being gay thing. Not that it's an excuse! I shouldn't have gotten so selfish that I neglected our friendship."

Maura's lower lip trembled, and Jane figured she was hitting pretty damn close to the mark.

"You're my best friend, Maura," Jane rasped, meeting Maura's watery eyes. "Nothing's gonna change that. I'm sorry I've been so self-absorbed lately. I'm gonna be better now."

Maura nodded, pressed her lips together, and exhaled harshly.

"That sounds nice," Maura admitted. "But you're not self-absorbed. And you're not selfish. You're kind and generous and wonderful."

"Thanks," Jane blushed. "You're pretty damn amazing yourself. Now let me whip you up a famous Rizzoli omelet and we can fill each other in on anything that's been missed these last few weeks. Deal?"

"Deal," Maura nodded. "Only I'll finish cooking and you go shower. You're getting sweat and dirt all over my recently cleaned kitchen."

Jane scrutinized Maura's face. She was smiling, softly but genuinely. She still looked weary, but Jane's speech seemed to have pierced the stony façade.

"If you insist," Jane teased. "Chef Maura." She handed over the spatula as if it were a sword, bowing deeply.

Acting purely on impulse, Jane pressed a quick kiss to her friend's cheek as she brushed past.

"I've missed you," she rasped, darting from the room before Maura could respond.

Jane darted into the bathroom and closed the door. What the hell was she doing?

Maura just made her so damn… crazy.

Loving her and being so close, yet knowing she could never have her.

It was an exquisite torture.

Sometimes she would try to list Maura's flaws, number her faults, in order to control the urge to kiss her. It never worked. She always ended up with an endless litany of things she loved about the other woman.

Stripping, Jane stepped into the shower. She loved showering at Maura's. The products were high quality, the towels exceptionally soft, the water pressure absolutely perfect.

She took her time, knowing Maura wouldn't mind. When she was done, she wrapped the towel around herself and padded into Maura's room in search of something clean to wear. Dropping the towel at the door, she dug some clothes out of her drawer in Maura's dresser.

She had finished dressing her bottom half and was debating a Red Sox versus a Bruins t-shirt when she heard Maura at the door. Turning, she awkwardly realized that she was half-naked.

Maura froze in the doorway.

"Oh," she mumbled. "Sorry. I just…"

She averted her eyes and then turned, her back to Jane.

"Sorry," Jane tried to laugh but it came out strangled. She pulled on a shirt as quickly as possible. "I was having a fashion crisis."

"I just wanted to tell you that breakfast is ready," Maura replied.

"I'm decent," Jane blurted, wincing at the unnatural phrase coming out of her mouth. "I mean, I'm dressed. You can look at me."

It sounded demanding and she took a deep breath, exhaling slowly.

The breath got caught halfway out when Maura turned.

The mask she had been wearing earlier was completely stripped away. Her eyes were dark. She looked vulnerable. Soft. Almost fragile.

"I'll just," Maura whispered. "Be in the kitchen whenever you're ready."

Jane rested her hands on her hips in frustration. Barely resisted the urge to scream.

One step forwards. Ten steps back.

She took a minute to compose herself, but it was difficult. She was so off-kilter around this new version of Maura. This shell of the woman she had come to know and love. None of her instincts seemed correct when it came to this Maura.

When she emerged, Maura was sitting at the counter, mug of coffee in hand. Two places were set, one in front of her and the other directly adjacent. It felt awkward though, like an oddly forced domesticity.

"I can just go," Jane suggested softly. "If you don't want me here."

"No," Maura pleaded. "I'm sorry. I want you to stay."

Jane bit her lip, tried to read Maura's face. But again, her expression was unreadable. It was infuriating.

"Why are you pushing me away?"

Maura's forehead wrinkled in confusion.

"What?" she asked. "I just told you I want you to stay."

"I can feel it," Jane continued, undeterred. "I can feel it and I hate it."

"I'm not…" Maura trailed off. "I'm not trying to push you away-"

"But you're not keeping me close," Jane finished for her.

Maura's head sprang up, her eyes finding Jane's.

_Bingo_.

"For the life of me," Jane went on. "I can't figure out why."

"I don't know what to say," Maura shrugged helplessly.

"Tell me why," Jane pleaded. Practically begged.

"I can't," Maura shook her head. "Please don't ask me to."

"Well who the hell am I supposed to ask then?" Jane demanded. "Frost sure as hell won't tell me."

"You spoke to Frost?" Maura asked, her words stumbling to come out quickly enough. She looked alarmed. Worried.

"Yeah," Jane nodded. "Cause I care about you and I want to know what the hell is going on. But he wouldn't tell me a _damn_ thing."

Maura deflated, the relief on her features clear.

"What's so freakin' special that you can tell him but not me?" Jane yelled. "Huh?"

"How can you not know?" Maura burst.

Jane rocked back on her feet, shocked at the outburst. Maura looked similarly startled.

"What?" Jane croaked.

"How can you not know?" Maura whispered. "How can you be that blind?"

"Maura," Jane tried, stepping towards her friend.

"No," Maura shook her head. "I don't want to talk about this anymore. Can we please just eat?"

"I've sorta lost my appetite," Jane breathed. "I think I'm just gonna head home."

Maura didn't protest.

It was only when she was outside that Jane realized she was braless, carless, and moneyless.

"Fuck!" she screamed.

A woman walking her dog looked at Jane disapprovingly.

"Fuck!" Jane repeated.


	4. Chapter 4

For the first time ever, Jane dreaded seeing Maura.

Even when they had been angry, fighting, she hadn't had this heavy ball of fear in her stomach. Hadn't wanted to stay in bed and avoid her best friend.

She hated the feeling.

She was so helpless. So lost.

She had yet to call Kate again.

It was pouring rain and bitterly cold when she left for work.

Skulking into the precinct, she rushed past the elevators, hoping to avoid a confrontation with her best friend. She wasn't prepared to face her yet.

Frost looked poised to ask what was wrong but he surveyed her a moment before he shut his mouth, returned to the computer screen in front of him.

They worked in relative silence for most of the morning, the never-ending pile of paperwork only growing slightly smaller in the space of a few hours. When lunch rolled around, Frost stretched and turned to look at her expectantly.

"Never did tell me how your date went," he prodded.

Jane rolled her neck futilely. None of the tension left her body.

"It was good," she shrugged.

"Good?" Frost echoed. "You don't sound that happy."

"It was fine," Jane replied. "I don't think I'm going to see her again."

"Oh," Frost frowned. "So it wasn't good then."

"I said it was good," Jane snapped.

"Then why aren't you gonna see her again?" Frost asked.

"Frost," Jane bit. "Can you drop it please." It wasn't a request.

"Come on," Frost stood abruptly. "Time to eat."

Jane thought about protesting but her stomach rumbled loudly.

"Fine," she muttered. "But we're eating junk food and you're paying."

"Fine," Frost agreed. "But I'm driving."

They rode in silence and Jane could feel the wheels in Frost's head spinning. Could feel him formulating his thoughts, choosing his words with care.

"Look," Frost began, eyes trained on the road. "I'd say this is none of my business but, you know what? It is. Cause you're my partner and my friend and I care about you. So you can huff and puff and be pissy at me but I'm gonna say my piece."

He paused but Jane didn't interrupt.

"I think you're an idiot sometimes," he blurted. "You go out with this great girl and you have a nice time and you don't want to see her again because of what? You said something stupid or whatever? You can't spend your whole life chasing something and then running away when you get it. You can't build yourself a house and then complain it's too small."

"Frost," Jane interjected.

He didn't stop.

"You've got a great life," he continued. "Friends and family and a job you love. You've got things most people only dream about. You're lucky. You're gay in a place that allows it, recognizes it. You have a best friend who cares about you more than you'll ever know. You've got the best damn partner on the force. And yet somehow you spend most of your time brooding and worrying. It's ridiculous."

"It's Maura," Jane breathed, surprised she had admitted it out loud. Surprised the whole universe didn't collapse on her in that moment. Surprised they didn't die when Frost accidentally looked at her in shock and then had to jerk the wheel back to neutral as they swerved into another lane.

"What?" he croaked.

"It's Maura," Jane repeated. Bolder. Surer.

Frost was her friend. Her partner. She trusted him with her life. She could trust him with this.

"What uh," Frost seemed totally thrown. "What about her? She say something to you?"

"No," Jane wondered what Frost knew that she didn't. "That's just it. She won't say anything to me. She's mad and she won't tell me why and I know that I'm losing her and it's driving me crazy."

They rode in silence a minute more, the windshield wipers filling the car with their rhythmic tune, like the ticking of an oppressive clock.

"She's not mad at you," Frost said.

"Right," Jane replied disbelievingly. "It doesn't seem that way."

"Well," Frost licked his lips nervously. "Have you talked to her about it?"

"Yes!" Jane exclaimed in frustration. "I tried. I tried talking. I tried listening. I tried asking questions. I tried and she won't open up. I can't help but think-"

The idea hurt too much to even consider.

"What?" Frost pressed eventually.

"I can't help but think she's not ok having a gay best friend," Jane rasped, barely able to put voice to the terrible thought.

It had been haunting her for days.

"That's not it," Frost asserted, no room for doubt. He glanced away from the wheel long enough to hold Jane's eyes when he repeated it. "That's not it."

Jane nodded but couldn't find her voice.

"Maura is totally accepting of you," he added. "You knew she was accepting of the LGBT community before you came out. And from what I've seen she has been nothing but loving and supportive since you came out. Isn't that true?"

Jane mutely nodded again.

Pressurized silence filled the car. Frost parked but didn't move to exit the vehicle.

"Jane," he coaxed. "Come on. Stop thinking like that. Talk to Maura. Call Kate. But first, let's get you something to eat."

Nodding, Jane got out of the car. Even the idea of a Spike's junkyard hotdog wasn't exciting at the moment.

She just felt so hopeless.

Kate was wonderful. Jane could really imagine a relationship with her.

But without Maura?

Jane couldn't even begin to picture what that life would look like.

They ate and Frost did his best to distract her, but Jane's mind kept wandering. She had four open homicides, mountains of paperwork, a budding romance, and a failing friendship.

It all felt so overwhelming.

Normally, she would have turned to Maura for comfort. For guidance. For reassurance.

Instead, she took Frost's suggestion and called Kate.

It Maura was going to let her go, whatever the reason, Jane could only fight it so much. And right now, she was too tired to fight.

Kate answered on the second ring. Her honeyed voice made Jane's pulse double. Her calming tone made some of the stress in Jane's shoulders melt away.

It was refreshing.

They made plans to have dinner on Wednesday night.

Jane told herself that if Kate offered again, she would sleep with her.

No more waiting. No more pretending.

If Maura wanted to let her go, then she would go.

She tried to be fine with it. To convince herself that she was strong enough to do this without faltering.

But in the back of her mind, and in every corner of her heart, she knew better.

Losing Maura had always been something she worried about. Endless nightmares were consumed with thoughts of Maura being injured, killed. Countless minutes of her life had been spent, breath held, waiting for news that her friend was alive. Healthy.

She had been forced to confront the violent, sudden, tragic loss of her other half on multiple occasions.

She was no stranger to the idea of visiting Maura's hospital bed. Of wondering how often she would be able to bring herself to visit Maura's grave.

But this?

This slow, visceral loss?

This, she was not prepared for. This she could not deal with.

This was not the fault of a stray bullet or a malicious psycho. This was on Jane.

And that knowledge haunted her more than all of her other nightmares combined.

The rest of the day passed without incident. She didn't see Maura.

Tuesday was much the same.

Wednesday, Jane finally saw Maura for a few minutes towards the end of the day.

Frankie was giving her shit about her upcoming second date when he caught Maura's attention as she barreled through the bullpen, clearly intent on ignoring Jane.

"Hey Maura," he grinned. "How are you?"

Maura stopped near them, smiled politely. Warmly, but there was something missing.

"I'm fine Frankie," she replied. "How are you?"

"I'm good," he responded. "Just giving Jane some of my foolproof tips for impressing the ladies."

Maura looked at Jane in surprise.

"Oh?" she intoned evenly.

"Yeah," Frankie nodded proudly. "Since she's going on her second date with Kate tonight. Don't want my big sister striking out so early in the game." He laughed and bumped Jane's shoulder with his own.

He was totally oblivious to the way Maura's face had fallen. To how her attention had fixed on Jane and not shifted back while he was talking.

Jane felt the sudden need to defend herself to Maura. She didn't like it.

"You're going out with her again?" Maura asked. Her voice was even but her eyes told a different story.

Jane felt herself being pulled under.

"Yeah," she tried to play it cool. "Kate's a great woman. Thought I'd see where it goes."

"Ain't that great," Frankie beamed. "Jane and Kate." His voice was sing-songy. Jane had never found him more annoying.

"Yes," Maura shook herself slightly, as if breaking a trance. "That's wonderful. If you'll excuse me…"

She turned to go before either of them could protest.

Frankie watched her retreating form.

"Did I uh," he scratched the back of his head. "Did I say something wrong?"

Jane followed Maura's back with her eyes until the other woman disappeared.

"No," she answered Frankie absently. "You didn't do anything. We're just having a bit of a… rough patch."

"Oh," Frankie sounded uncertain. "Ok. I gotta get back to work. I'll see you later. Have fun tonight!"

"Thanks," Jane replied. "I'll see you later. Be safe out there."

She stood there momentarily, debating, before she found herself following after Maura.

Her courage waned with each step towards the morgue but she forged on anyways. She couldn't just let it happen this way.

Maura was in her office and Jane knocked and entered in a single motion.

"Hi," she greeted. "Can we talk for a minute?"

She took a seat across from Maura without waiting for a response.

Maura looked slightly annoyed and more than a little surprised.

"Um," she turned her attention from the computer screen. "What can I do for you?"

"You can cut it out," Jane blurted.

"Sorry?" Maura raised a single eyebrow.

"Cut it out," Jane repeated, softer. "Stop being… weird. Go back to being my best friend. I'm sorry for whatever I did wrong, and if you want to tell me what it was then I will apologize more specifically. But barring that, I just can't live like this. I want my best friend back. I like having you in my life. I like being able to tell you everything. I love you. I miss you. So cut it out."

Maura's lower lip trembled.

Jane leaned forwards slightly, wanting nothing more than to comfort her friend.

"Talk to me," Jane soothed. "Please."

"Not here," Maura deflected.

Jane opened her mouth to argue.

"We could get a drink," she suggested. "Talk there. I just don't want to talk in my office."

Jane studied Maura closely, tried to discern if this was yet another brush off. But there was honestly in Maura's weary features.

"Tomorrow night?" Jane asked. "Does that work for you?"

Maura nodded.

"Tomorrow night is fine," she agreed.

"Great," Jane stood. "I look forward to spending some time with you."

Maura nodded again.

"Me too," she said. Not quite a lie, but it lacked conviction. "Have fun on your-"

She didn't finish the thought, her voice giving out.

"I'll see you tomorrow," she said instead.

"Tomorrow," Jane agreed. "Sounds good. Have a nice night."

She fled before Maura could change her mind, or before any of her traitorous thoughts turned into actions or words.


	5. Chapter 5

When Jane met Kate outside the restaurant, she greeted the other woman with a brief but intense kiss. It was an impulse. Second nature.

It felt amazing.

Liberating.

"Well that was unexpected," Kate rasped, grinning as they separated.

"Should I not?" Jane pulled back to look Kate in the eye.

"On the contrary," Kate shook her head. "Please feel free. I just… I wasn't expecting to hear from you. And I wasn't sure how eager you would be to see me tonight."

Their eyes held, and Jane felt warmth spreading through her whole body.

"I told you I would call," Jane replied. "And I'm thrilled to see you."

"I'm glad," Kate responded. "I'm thrilled to see you too."

Dinner was pleasant, but there was a charged tension between them that was utterly distracting. Kate kept touching Jane- her thigh under the table, her hand as she reached for her wine glass, her face to remove an imaginary smudge.

Halfway through the meal, Jane was practically too distracted to eat. Kate was intoxicating. Enchanting. Smart and funny and poised yet relaxed. She put Jane at ease and set her completely on edge.

She began to feel more confident, more self-assured with every minute that passed. As soon as Kate had finished eating and put down her fork, Jane pulled her in for a brief kiss.

"All done?" Jane asked.

"I haven't even gotten started," Kate replied. "Shall we?"

Jane got the check, paying rapidly and ushering Kate out of the restaurant.

"I drove," Jane said, leading Kate towards her car.

Kate's hands wandered Jane's body as Jane drove. At stoplights, Kate kissed her until she couldn't breathe.

At Kate's apartment, they paused while she fished out her keys and unlocked the door. Kate pushed open the door but didn't step through.

"Any ghosts around tonight?" she asked.

Jane looked at her hands, and the slight scars on her palms, and then back up at Kate's face.

Jane paused, looking up to meet Kate's eyes.

Blue.

She was startled to realize she had been expecting Maura's green eyes to greet her. She fought back a wave of emotions she couldn't identify.

Kate reached down and put a hand on Jane's cheek. Jane's eyes fluttered closed.

"You're beautiful," Kate whispered.

Jane opened her eyes, met Kate's in the dim light of the hallway.

Her silence was apparently answer enough.

"Still exorcising those demons, huh?" Kate suggested.

"Yeah," Jane nodded.

Kate kissed Jane slowly, thoroughly.

A benediction.

"No rush," Kate said.

Jane pulled the other woman close and Kate came willingly. Jane stroked her hands down the other woman's smooth, soft back, sneaking under her shirt. Kate played gently with Jane's hair, lulling her close to sleep as they stood at the threshold to Kate's apartment.

"Want to talk about it?" Kate asked finally.

Jane was surprised by the offer.

"Sometimes that helps me," Kate added.

"Just um," Jane hesitated. It's not like she could tell the woman she wanted to fuck that she was trying to get over being in love with her best friend. "I'm losing a really good friend."

"Ex-girlfriend?" Kate prodded evenly. "It doesn't matter to me. I just want you to know you don't have to hide it. I assumed you had dated other people in the world before we met."

"No," Jane shook her head. "Nothing like that. My best friend. I fell in love with her, I think."

She paused. Kate didn't rush to fill the silence. Didn't press.

It should have been odd to have such a conversation with a virtual stranger in a dimly lit hallway but everything seemed easier with Kate.

"Anyways," Jane added absently. "She's straight and we're drifting apart and I think I might be losing her. But I'm not really sure why."

"I'm sorry," Kate replied. "I can see how that would be really difficult for you."

"I'm sorry to drag you into this," Jane responded softly. "I know I shouldn't have."

"I asked," Kate smiled. "Life is messy. It's complicated. But I like you and you seem like a genuinely good person. I'm glad you're here. Would you like to come in for a minute?"

Jane smiled too, and felt a weight lift some from her shoulders.

At least she had something good, pure, in her life at the moment.

"Sure," Jane nodded.

Jane followed Kate into her apartment and they settled on the couch.

"Wanna tell me about her?" Kate asked. "Your best friend, I mean."

Jane debated for a minute, but decided she should only push her luck with Kate so much. The other woman had feelings and a heart Jane didn't want to bruise or break.

"No," Jane shook her head, kissing Kate lightly on the lips. "I want you to tell me about you."

"What about me?" Kate replied. "I'm an open book."

"First kiss," Jane blurted.

"Ronald Costas," Kate didn't hesitate. "Third grade. It was terrible. His braces caught on my lip."

Jane laughed and Kate kissed her.

"Yours?" Kate inquired.

Jane groaned, covering her face with her hand. Kate kissed her wrist, her arm, her fingers.

"Gio Mancini," Jane muttered. "He kissed me. And then I punched him."

It was Kate's turn to laugh, and the sound was rich, full.

They chatted and laughed until Jane glanced at the clock, realized it was after midnight.

"I should probably be going," she admitted.

"You're welcome to stay the night," Kate offered.

"Thanks," Jane replied, gently squeezing Kate's hand. "If it weren't a weeknight, I might take you up on that. But I've gotta be at the precinct early and if I come in wearing the same thing as yesterday, I'll never hear the end of it.

Kate smiled and nodded. As Jane shrugged into her jacket, she noticed a Red Sox pennant hanging on the wall.

Jane grinned.

"You like the Sox?" she asked, unable to resist the urge to reach out and touch Kate.

"Are there people who don't?" Kate retorted, pretending the thought had never occurred to her. She came willingly into Jane's arms.

"We'll have to catch a game some time," Jane suggested, idly fingering the hem of Kate's shirt. She wanted to strip it off and kiss every inch of the skin underneath.

But Maura kept creeping in an poisoning her thoughts.

"I'd like that," Kate agreed. They kissed, hungry and heated, and when Jane pulled back she could barely breathe.

"If you're gonna leave," Kate let the thought hang.

Jane nodded, releasing the shorter woman and stepping back.

Kate smiled and walked Jane to the door. Jane leaned down and kissed Kate again, pulling her close. She couldn't seem to help herself.

"I had a really nice time tonight," Jane rasped.

"Me too," Kate replied. "When can I see you again?"

"I'll call you," Jane told her.

"Sounds good," Kate said, opening the door. "Let me know that you're home safely?"

"I will," Jane assured her. And with one last, quick kiss, Jane turned to go.

The whole drive home she fought the feeling that she had cheated on Maura.

She texted Kate when she shut the door to her apartment. The other woman responded and Jane collapsed into bed. She could smell Kate's perfume on herself.

She hadn't done anything wrong. She didn't owe Maura anything.

She fell asleep repeating it in her head.

_Maura doesn't love you. Maura doesn't love you. _

_She doesn't love you._

Jane arrived to work only to be immediately called out on a suspected homicide. A young man, likely a college student, had been found dead by the Charles.

She spent forty-eight non-stop hours tracking down leads with Frost and Korsak. When she found herself in the morgue, Maura was nowhere around. It worried her but there was too much at stake to deal with it in the moment.

Jane's gut told her the perp was a sleazy pimp they had talked to the day before. There was no real motive yet but she _knew_ that was the guy.

"It's him," she insisted. "Frost. Come on. You know this is our guy."

"There's no motive and he had an alibi," Frost replied. They were both worn dangerously thin.

"Alibi's can be faked," Korsak suggested. "I'll run it down."

He met Jane's eyes. Jane nodded almost imperceptibly in thanks.

"I'm going back to the scene," she stood. "Maybe we missed something."

"Great," the Captain stuck his head out of his office. "Take Dr. Isles. She wanted to check something out anyways."

Jane wanted to complain. To argue. To stamp her foot.

She stood instead and nodded.

"Sure Cap," she replied. "No problem."

Jane made her way down to the morgue. Just inside the door, she stopped. Maura was leaning over a counter, in theory reading, but her eyes were closed. For a minute, Jane thought she might actually be asleep.

Her feet suddenly made of cement, Jane found herself unable to break the trance. Maura was flawlessly gorgeous and Jane's heart squeezed too tightly in her chest. Maura also looked utterly exhausted. Jane wanted to take Maura home, tuck her into bed, and curl up against her to sleep for days.

"Hey," she finally spoke, her voice a low rasp.

Maura jumped, banging her elbow on the table.

"Sorry," Jane rushed forwards. "I didn't mean to scare you. Are you ok?"

"I'm fine," Maura replied. "I must have drifted away for a second there."

Jane lightly gripped Maura's arm, inspecting her elbow. No visible damage.

"I'm fine," Maura repeated softly. She pulled her arm away. "I don't have the report ready yet, if that's why you're here."

It cut Jane that she couldn't just come visit without it being assumed she wanted something from the M.E.

When had that changed?

"No, I know," Jane shook her head. "I'm going back to the scene. Cap said you could use a ride over there."

"Oh," Maura replied. "That's alright. I can drive myself."

"You can't even stand up and read," Jane countered. "You're not driving yourself."

"And you're well-rested," Maura challenged. "You could just as easily fall asleep at the wheel and you know it."

"Well then I guess you'll just have to trust that I won't kill us both in a fiery ball of death," Jane snorted. "We're leaving in five minutes."

She didn't give Maura a chance to reply before leaving the morgue.

Upstairs she waited impatiently, leaning against the cruiser. When Maura emerged, only six or seven minutes later, Jane slid behind the wheel without waiting.

It Maura was going to push her away or let her drift or whatever the hell was happening, Jane sure as shit wasn't going to waste her energy on trying to fix it when she was already running on empty.

The ride was silent and Jane couldn't stand it. She flipped the radio on just to fill the dead air.

The dark of evening had brought with it a biting chill and Jane shivered when she got out at the scene. Maura practically ignored her, walking straight to the taped off area and stepping under the police line.

Jane followed, but as much as was possible she kept her distance in the small, cordoned off area. Maura poked and prodded a few things, took some notes, bagged a few items.

Jane waited for inspiration. For a clue. For something to jump out.

But she was exhausted, and nothing struck her as odd.

Other than being a crime scene, the small plot of park next to the river seemed totally ordinary. Jane crouched down, hating the way her body creaked and groaned these days.

And then she saw it. Footprints.

Just the lightest indentations, but there nonetheless. Leading away from the crime scene where no investigators had gone.

There was rustling and her hand moved instinctively to her sidearm.

"Jane?" Maura called out.

Jane held up a finger and Maura quieted immediately.

She could sense Maura moving behind her and she hoped the M.E. was returning to the car. When Maura appeared beside her, Jane bit back a groan.

"What is it?" Maura whispered.

"I heard something," Jane replied. "Be quiet."

Jane moved forwards slowly, staying crouched below the bushes.

On the other side of the hedges and a few yards down the rocky shore was occupied by a few shadowed figures. They were sitting by the water talking in hushed tones.

Jane focused in as much as possible and after a minute she let out a sigh of frustration. They were just college kids drinking in the cold. She turned, startled to find that Maura was crouching directly behind her.

They collided, Jane cursing softly. Jane caught herself but Maura's absurdly high heels weren't so forgiving. She toppled to the ground despite Jane's effort to stop her from falling.

"Maura," Jane bent over her friend, scanning Maura for injury. "Are you ok?"

"I'm alright," Maura's voice was tight with pain. "I just think I rolled my ankle a little."

"Let me help you up," Jane suggested, holding her hand out.

"I'm fine," Maura protested, trying to stand on her own.

Jane ignored the pang of hurt that Maura's refusal sent through her.

Maura stumbled, unable to bear weight on her injured ankle. Jane was prepared for it and caught her with a firm arm around her waist.

"Just let me help you," Jane asserted softly. "I promise not to read into it and think we're friends or anything."

Wordlessly, Maura looped a hand around Jane's neck and let herself be led back to the cruiser. When they stepped down at the curb, Maura miscalculated her balance and nearly fell. She pulled hard on Jane's lanky frame, but Jane kept them upright.

Maura was pressed flush against her, arms clutching desperately to Jane's body. Jane's spare hand found Maura's hip, the curve a perfect fit for her long, elegant fingers. Maura's chest was heaving, her breath coming unevenly.

"Don't worry," Jane rasped. "I won't let you fall."

Maura looked Jane in the eye. Licked her lips.

"I know," she replied.

Jane couldn't look away. The cold wind whipped at their skin, Maura's weight heavy and warm against her, and suddenly she realized Maura was staring at her mouth.

Jane's brain couldn't compute.

Everything froze. Time seemed entirely suspended.

All Jane could see was Maura. All she could feel was Maura.

The entire universe could have come to an end in that moment and Jane wouldn't even have noticed.

"Let's," her voice was low and gravelly. She cleared her throat. "Let's get you in the car and get that ankle taken care of."

"I'm fine," Maura breathed, unmoving. "Really, it's just a sprain."

"Still," Jane coaxed. "You should get off it and probably put some ice on there."

Gently, she lowered Maura into the passenger seat of the cruiser.

The feel of Maura pressed up against her was permanently imprinted onto her skin. It wasn't the first time they had touched, nor the most intimate- they had shared a bed, after all, but something about the way Maura clung to her after weeks without so much as a handshake… it set Jane on edge.

It set her on fire.

The car was filled with pressurized silence and Jane ground her teeth to avoid saying something stupid. She clenched the wheel to keep from reaching out.

"Thank you for helping me," Maura finally said. Her voice was soft, almost hesitant.

"Of course," Jane shrugged. "I'll always help you."

"You sound so certain," Maura replied.

Jane chanced a glance at the other woman but Maura was staring out the passenger window.

"I _am_ certain," Jane responded. "I'm always gonna be your friend Maura. I know we're going through something right now and I gotta admit it confuses the hell out of me. But we're gonna come out the other side of this just as strong as ever. I'm not going anywhere."

"You will though," Maura whispered.

"What?" Jane asked.

Maura looked surprised she had spoken.

"You'll leave," Maura breathed. "You'll meet a woman, fall in love, and go start a family. And you should- you deserve that happiness."

"I'm not just going to forget about you because I start a family," Jane said firmly. "_You_ are my family. You will be a part of whatever I build. You _are_ a part of it already. That won't change."

"I wish I felt so certain," Maura replied.

"Then stop pushing me away," Jane demanded. "It won't make it hurt any less, if that's what you're thinking. You're not going to lose me for any reason other than you decide to cut me off. But even then, I can be pretty damn persistent."

Maura smiled grimly.

"Yes," she allowed. "I'm aware of your penchant for badgering."

They lapsed into silence again.

"But that's not it," Jane began. "Is it? That's not what is keeping us apart."

"Can we talk about something else?" Maura suggested. "How is Frankie?"

Jane debated arguing, pushing the subject, but she knew Maura would only shut down.

"He's fine," she muttered instead.

They chatted for a minute about Frankie before falling back into heavy silence.

Back at the precinct, Jane rushed to help Maura out of the car.

"I'm fine," Maura insisted.

Jane wasn't buying it.

"You need different shoes," she asserted. "Sit back down." A gentle push was enough to send Maura back into the passenger seat. Jane dug through the trunk of the cruiser, pulling out a pair of converse and clean socks. "Put these on."

Maura looked horrified.

"Absolutely not," she responded.

"Maura," Jane held out the shoes. "You're not going to hobble back into the office in that Gucci stilt, so put these on and I will help you get downstairs."

Maura opened her mouth to argue but Jane continued.

"Put the shoe on or I take you to the Emergency Room," she finished firmly.

Maura pouted openly, uncharacteristically mumbling under her breath as she put the shoe and sock on her uninjured foot and put her shoes into her purse.

"Happy?" she demanded when she was done.

Jane grinned.

"Delirious," she deadpanned. In reality, she was caught completely off-guard by how adorable Maura was in her expensive suit and Jane's ratty converse.

"What?" Maura bit as Jane helped her to the door.

"You're just so adorable," Jane blurted before she could stop herself. "Especially when you're pouting."

Maura stopped short, her surprise evident.

"What?" she stammered.

"I uh," it was Jane's turn to stammer. "I just think those shoes really suit you."

"Thank you," Maura rasped. "They're rather comfortable actually, considering their total lack of arch support-"

"Maura," Jane cut her off. "_Thank you_ is more than sufficient. You don't have to tell me all the things that are wrong with my shoes."

"I wasn't trying to insult them," Maura responded softly. She sounded hurt. "I'm sorry."

Jane was going to respond but her phone rang, saving her from trying to figure out what on earth she would have said.

"Kate," Jane smiled into the phone.

"I hope it's ok that I called instead of waiting for you to call me," Kate told her. "I've never been good with game-playing."

"No," Jane chuckled. "It's fine. I'm a little too old for games."

"Not all games I hope," Kate purred. Jane blushed, hoping Maura didn't notice. "I hadn't heard from you so I figured you must be busy at work. Thought I'd see if you wanted to have dinner this week."

"I'd like that," Jane agreed. "How about tomorrow night?"

"Perfect," Kate agreed. "Why don't I swing by and pick you up at work?"

Jane hesitated. She wasn't exactly _out_ around the precinct. But she wasn't really hiding it either.

"Ok," she allowed. "I'll text you the address. I should be done around seven. Is that ok?"

"That's perfect," Kate told her. "I look forward to it. I've been thinking about you since the second you walked out of my apartment."

Jane found it wasn't a lie when she replied, "I've been thinking about you a lot too. I'll see you tomorrow."

She hung up and she had never felt more awkward than when she turned to see Maura.

"Hot date?" Maura joked, but it fell horribly flat.

The silence was stifling.

"Yeah," Jane shrugged. "Something like that."

To her great relief, Angela and Korsak saw them come into the precinct and rushed over to see what had happened. Jane made an excuse about needing to update Frost about something and handed Maura off to the worrying duo.

She didn't see Maura for the rest of the day.

They cracked the case sometime around two a.m. and Frost went down to the morgue to tell the M.E. to go home. Jane found an empty bunk in the crib, set an alarm and promptly passed out.


	6. Chapter 6

Jane's dreams were haunted by thoughts of Maura.

She dreamt that Maura loved her back. That they become a stereotypical, Massachusetts gay couple with double strollers and little yappy dogs. That they got married on the Cape and Jane was barefoot (it was part of how she knew it was a dream- Maura would never let her get married without shoes on). That when she crawled into bed after days of not sleeping she knew she was home because she rolled into Maura's embrace.

It was endlessly upsetting.

She should be dreaming of Kate.

Kate was wonderful.

Jane felt a genuine, budding affection for the other woman. She liked Kate. A lot.

She was looking forward to their next date. To getting to know Kate better. To finding out if Kate was someone she could lean on, look to, learn to love.

But things with Maura were getting increasingly messy, confusing.

Had it been anyone else, Jane would have thought Maura was attracted to her.

Except… it _was_ Maura.

Maura who always, for better or for worse, said_ exactly_ what she was thinking. Maura who had no filter between her brain and her mouth. Maura who talked casually about sex and dating and death and diseases and sometimes did it all at one time. Maura who had never been shy about what she wanted when it came to romance, and pursued it without reservation.

Surely Maura would have said _something_- anything, about being attracted to women. Said something about being gay or bisexual or queer or even just said something about being attracted to Jane.

But she never had.

So Jane settled on another, much more plausible explanation.

Maura was afraid of losing her and was acting out.

It wasn't a very flattering theory, but it fit.

Maura had indeed admitted to being afraid of losing Jane. Trying to pull her close was totally normal. Trying to push her away was totally normal. Getting lost and confused in the process made complete sense.

Maura was hurt and mixed up and lost and it was coming out in this weird way that Jane was just reading too much into.

The more she thought about it, the more the pieces fit.

So Jane tried to push her worry to the back of her mind and focus on acting normal towards Maura. If she kept acting normal, showed Maura that nothing had to change, then maybe eventually Maura would relax and go back to normal too.

When Kate picked Jane up at work, Jane was nervous for the scrutiny it might draw. But no one seemed to notice, let alone care.

There were no raised eyebrows, no insulting comments, no sideways glances, no muffled insults.

Jane breathed a sigh of relief. She introduced Frost to Kate, secretly glad she seemed impervious to his undeniable charm. When Jane saw Angela peeking around the corner, she rushed Kate out of the precinct.

It was _way_ too early for that.

They ate dinner at a casual pub that Kate knew, tucked off in an out of the way street downtown. The conversation was easy and natural, and Jane was reminded again just how much she liked Kate.

After dinner they decided to take a walk. When Kate slipped her hand into Jane's and looked at her with questioning eyes, silently seeking approval, Jane squeezed her hand and kissed her softly.

Kate talked about her work, her family, what she liked about Boston. She was charming and hilarious and she spent just as much time prying details from Jane about her own life as she did regaling Jane with her stories.

Jane found herself opening up, sharing. It was freeing.

They went back to Kate's apartment and Jane felt nerves tangle in the pit of her stomach.

She and Kate made out on the couch, hands roaming, mouths hungry.

She didn't think of Maura at all.

But when Kate asked if she wanted to move to the bedroom, Jane found that she couldn't.

They talked about it in hushed tones and Kate smiled softly, nodded, but there was a darkness in her eyes that weighed her smile down.

They fell asleep in a tangle of limbs on Kate's couch while watching T.V. and Jane found that when she closed her eyes, Kate's weight against her was especially comforting.

When Jane's phone rang in the middle of the night, Kate was draped across her, dead asleep. Jane grabbed absently at her phone without opening her eyes. Kate didn't stir.

"Ello?" Jane rasped.

"Jane Rizzoli?" a gruff, unfamiliar voice greeted her.

"Yeah?" Jane replied, every muscle in her body instantly tense. She glanced at the clock.

2 a.m.

"This is Morgan," the voice said. "I work at The Good Life."

One of Maura's favorite haunts.

"Is everything ok?" Jane asked. Fear balled in the pit of her stomach and tensed every muscle in her body.

"Yeah," Morgan hesitated. "Your friend, Maura Isles, she's here and I think someone should pick her up. I tried to suggest she get a cab but she was pretty resistant. I didn't wanna call the cops because she's not really bothering anyone but we're closing up down here… Anyway, you were number one on her speed dial. Should I call someone else?"

"No," Jane rolled Kate gently to the side. "I'll be there soon. Thanks."

"Everythin' ok?" Kate mumbled, eyes fluttering open to watch Jane gather her things rapidly in the dark.

"I gotta go help a friend," Jane responded, shoving her phone and keys into her pockets. Adrenaline from the initial panic coursed through her, mixing with anger and frustration.

"Need help?" Kate offered.

Jane smiled, leaning over to kiss Kate softly on the lips.

"I got this," Jane assured her. "But thanks."

"You coming back?" Kate asked.

"I don't think so," Jane responded. "But I'll call you tomorrow."

"Ok," Kate mumbled, cuddling down against the chill of the room. "Sounds good."

Jane draped a throw across Kate and kissed the other woman on the forehead impulsively before slipping out of the apartment.

Kate lived close to the Good Life and Jane jogged there in less than ten minutes, her legs burning from the pace so soon after being asleep. She burst inside warring between fury and worry.

She had no trouble spotting Maura, the lone patron at the bar at closing time on a weeknight. Resting her head on the bar over crossed arms, she looked like she might be asleep.

The bartender turned at Jane's presence.

"I'm Jane Rizzoli," Jane introduced herself. "Morgan called me."

"I'm Morgan," the young man smiled grimly. "Thanks for coming. I didn't realize she was so drunk or I never woulda kept serving her."

"It's really not your fault," Jane smiled wryly. "Thanks for calling me instead of the cops."

"I've seen her in here before," Morgan shrugged. "She always tips well, treats people well. I'm glad you could come down."

Maura's head lifted slowly from the bar, her eyes squinting in the fully-lit room.

"Jane?" she asked, voice surprisingly clear. "Where are you from?"

Jane approached Maura, shoving down the welling frustration.

"I'm here to take you home," Jane put a hand on Maura's arm, gently pulling her into a standing position. She turned to Morgan who was busy wiping down the opposite end of the bar. "She all paid up?"

"Yeah," Morgan nodded. "She's good."

Jane fished ten dollars out of her wallet and tossed it on the bar, pulling a wobbling and silent Maura out the front door.

"I'm not leaving," Maura insisted when they got outside. Jane put her coat around Maura's shoulders, wondering where the hell the M.E. had left her overpriced outerwear.

"They're closing," Jane replied. "It's time to go. Did you drive here?"

"Duh," Maura snorted. "Did you fly here?"

"I walked," Jane scanned the area around them for Maura's car. She slung an arm around Maura's waist and directed them towards the car when she spotted it.

"You walked?" Maura asked, stopping. They jerked dramatically and Jane took a deep breath to quell her rising frustration.

"Yes, Maura," Jane replied. "I walked. Now can we please just get in your car? It's freezing!"

"Why did you walk?" Maura pressed. "We're so far from your apartment. You would have had to run. Also, you really should wear a coat this time of year."

"I wasn't _at_ my apartment," Jane gritted, not bothering to point out that Maura was currently wearing her coat and should have directed the advice at herself. She grabbed Maura's purse and fished through it for her keys.

"Where were you?" Maura scrunched her face, drunkenly scrutinizing Jane.

"I was out," Jane deflected, unlocking the passenger door and none too gently depositing Maura into the seat. She fastened her friend's seatbelt and then made her way to the driver's side, sliding in behind the wheel.

Jane pulled the car out onto the road and Maura turned to face her. She had never been more thankful that Boston was a relatively small city. Maura would be home in no time and Jane could go back to sleep for a few more hours before work.

"You were on a date," Maura practically pouted. "With _Kate_." She spit the name with disdain.

"So what?" Jane snapped. "What business is it of yours?"

"It's a hundred percent my buzz-ness," Maura slurred. "It's all my business. _You're_ my business."

"Wrong," Jane snorted. "It's not your business at all. Who I sleep with is between me and the person I'm fucking."

Maura swallowed audibly.

Jane didn't bother to clarify the statement- so what if they hadn't slept together yet? That was none of Maura's concern.

"I'm your," Maura's voice dropped. She cleared her throat. "I'm your best friend. We're best friends. You're my business."

"You're drunk," Jane retorted. "And acting crazy. You're not even going to remember this in the morning. And you know what's funny? This is the most time we've spent together in weeks outside of work. God, you make me crazy sometimes."

They turned onto Maura's street and Jane was glad. She wasn't sure how much more of drunk Maura she could take before she snapped and said something she would regret.

"Well you were too busy solving a murder to have dinner with me," Maura accused. "And then you had to go kiss that stupid girl who passed out on the T! Hasn't she heard of H2O? You don't have to be a genius to know that the danger of dehydration greatly increases when the temperature outside exceeds comfortable ranges…"

"I'm sorry that a murder interrupted our plans," Jane exclaimed, sarcasm dripping from every word. "And I'm sorry that I'm trying to have a love life. You're the one who is always telling me about how I need to have sex! Well, now I'm dating someone great and you're mad at me! I can't win with you!"

"Because you're supposed to be dating me!" Maura yelled.

The words took a minute to filter through Jane's brain and she almost hit Maura's mailbox as they pulled into the driveway.

She put the car in park and chanced a glance at Maura who was pointedly looking out the passenger window, obscuring her face from Jane's eyes.

"What?" Jane croaked.

"Forget it," Maura mumbled. She opened the passenger door and tried to get out.

"Seatbelt," Jane gritted.

Maura unfastened her seatbelt indignantly and Jane turned the car off, making her way up to the front door.

At the door, she unlocked and opened it but did not step inside. Maura didn't enter either. Instead, she turned to face Jane. She wobbled slightly and then steadied herself.

"I don't like you dating Kate," she whispered, her words fanning Jane's lips.

Jane suddenly noticed how close Maura was standing.

"Well, I'm sorry," Jane responded. "That's not really up to you."

"It should be," Maura rasped. "Since you're in love with me."

Jane clenched her jaw so tightly her teeth hurt. She wouldn't rise to the bait. She wouldn't have this discussion with a blackout-drunk Maura Isles while they both nearly froze to death on her front step. She wouldn't do this. She _couldn't._

"You are," Maura breathed. "Aren't you?"

"Maura," Jane's tone was a warning. A threat.

"Why didn't you ever say anything?"

Jane was surprised at the question. At the way the fight seemed to have gone out of Maura, leaving her soft and vulnerable. Hurt.

"What was I supposed to say?" Jane shrugged, avoiding Maura's gaze.

"I think most people just say, _I love you_," Maura suggested softly.

"You're my best friend," Jane deflected. "It was never going to be that simple."

"What did you think would happen?" Maura asked. She was leaning dangerously close, her voice a whisper of air between them.

"I don't know, Maura," Jane leaned back. "But the thing is, I want to be in love with someone who is in love with me too. So I need you to let me have that."

Maura's brow knit in confusion.

"How am I stopping you from having that?" she inquired.

"Are you serious?" Jane scoffed. "This. This right here. Tonight. All of it. This is making me crazy. It's stopping me from having the normal, healthy relationship I deserve."

"I'm not trying," Maura licked her lips, swayed unsteadily. "I'm not trying to stop you from having that. I'm, I'm trying… I'm trying to tell you something. I'm trying to tell you something big, here, Jane Rizzoli. And you- you are not listening."

Maura pointed her finger accusatorily at Jane as she spoke, jabbing her in the chest with surprising force given her intoxication.

"You are not listening to me," she continued. "Because I am trying to tell you the important thing. About _us_. Do you understand?"

"Not at all," Jane shook her head. "I think it's time for you to go to bed."

"No," Maura stamped her foot, nearly toppled over. Jane reached out to catch her. When Maura was upright again, she violently shook off Jane's help. "I'm not going to bed until you understand."

"Well, you aren't really in the place to be giving speeches right now Maura," Jane sighed. "So maybe we could table this for another time when it's not the middle of the night and you're not drunk and I'm not freezing my ass off."

"It's not a spee- it's not a speech," Maura slurred. "It's a declaration."

"Well, declare it another time," Jane suggested forlornly.

And then Maura was kissing her. Sloppily, drunkenly.

Jane pulled back, stunned.

Her entire being screamed to kiss Maura back. To wrap her arms around her and imprint every second of this in her memory.

"Whoa," she exclaimed. "Take it easy."

It was physically painful to extricate herself from Maura's touch.

"I'm tired of taking it easy," Maura exclaimed. "I want you to finally see what I'm telling you. What has been in front of you the whole time! I love you, stupid!"

Jane rocked unsteadily, suddenly feeling drunk herself. But she was stone cold sober and freezing and exhausted and confused and suddenly nothing in the world made sense.

"Maura," Jane floundered. "Let's just talk about this in the morning. _Please_."

"I'm not going to forget," Maura met Jane's eyes unflinchingly. "It's out there now and you can try to ignore it but I'm not going to anymore. I love you and you love me and it doesn't get any simpler than that."

"Not one thing about this is simple," Jane rasped.

"Well, simplify it," Maura breathed. "Date _me_. Be in love with _me_. Love _me._"

"Maura," Jane repeated. "If I promise not to ignore this, will you let us table it until a better time?"

Maura looked ready to argue, to fight, maybe even to kiss her again.

Jane couldn't keep the pain off her face. Could barely stand the gut-wrenching anguish coursing through her. Of the many ways she had imagined declaring her love for Maura Isles, this had never occurred to her as one of the possibilities. It broke her heart a little bit.

Like she had lost something.

Something important.

Something monumental.

She had dreamt of telling Maura of her love and it had always been something that made the earth stop spinning, made the sun stop shining, made gravity stop weighing them down.

It had been a heated confession of her deepest thoughts, her innermost desires, her biggest secrets.

It had not, in any permutation, involved drunkenness, being involved with another woman, standing outside in freezing weather, or not getting to say the words, _I love you_.

"Ok," Maura conceded. "Fine."

Jane breathed a sigh of relief.

Without waiting, Maura turned to go inside her home and shut the door in Jane's face.

Jane stood stock still for a minute in the freezing cold before realizing she was stranded at Maura's house. She debated knocking, asking to borrow the car, _something._

Instead, calling a cab, she sat on the frozen curb to wait.

Which, in the end, was fitting.

With Maura, for Maura, Jane was always waiting.

Waiting.

Maybe she would always just be… waiting.


End file.
